Fishnets and Malice

My Big Picture

2010-03-10T08:36:00.001-08:00

When I asked, "Refine me!"

This is not quite what I had in mind.

I forgot there is a price

On this road to purified.

I call out for Your mercy;

Prepare me for Your will.

What I really want is simple-

To keep my own gods still.

Your love is raging fury

On the death to which I cling.

You'd rather break my body

Than lose me to it's sting.

So, I look to my example

The King without a crown;

Through His lack of pride

My life in You is found.

Teach me to die well,

To all my hopes and dreams.

And remind me of the true peace

That only You can bring.

I've been told that real poets don't rhyme. I'm not a real poet.

I'm on a Horse

2010-02-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

So much funny... so little time....

Lent

2010-02-17T08:02:00.000-08:00

Holy fire

Burn away

my desires

or anything

That is not of You

and is of me

I want more of You

and less of me

empty me...empty me

and fill, won't you fill me

with You

The One that Got Away

2010-02-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I had to leave Brandtson in the extra bedroom alone. Without a bed or any cushion on the hardwood floor. Bad mama? There seems to be no solution for his 'axanities,' they get worse and worse. Crates are pretty much destroyed.... I come home to them unwelded, with Brandtson out of them, the house torn up, and blood spatter all over the walls and floors near the crate. It's not a good situation. So, the extra room was to be his new 'safe' area when I'm gone. Nothing to chew on and a bed. Turns out being destructive is more important than comfort... Two beds, two days. I was expecting to come home tonight (I was later than I anticipated) to the door frame being clawed into bits.

HE WAS A GOOD BOY!!!!

Mazzy had been allowed to stay out of the room on her own, as she is generally trustworthy. Apparently, reveling in her freedom, she got into their food ($60 for 30lb!!!) and ate herself retarded.... bc I walked in the door to a poo-tastic scent. And she was luxuriously sprawled on the couch, stretching when I came in, like "Oh, glad you're home... I got you something..."

Stupid is as Stupid Does.

And more than anything, coming home to that scenario, looking at my facebook picture, reading THIS tribute to a faithful companion, I miss my best girl. I wish I had more time with her and I hope that her goodness and 'easiness' didn't push her to the background too often. I hope she knew I loved her. And I hope that C.S. Lewis is right.... I hope I get to see her again. I miss you Buff.

The Word is Alive

2010-02-01T20:25:00.001-08:00

"The Bible was inscribed over a period of 2000 years, in times of war and in days of peace, by kings, physicians, tax-collectors, farmers, fishermen, singers and shepherds. The marvel is that a library so perfectly cohesive could have been produced by such a diverse crowd over a period of time which staggers the imagination. Jesus is its great subject; our good, its design; and the glory of God is its end."
~Tony Nolan

Bible Mad Libs

2010-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda long winded...and I also like really understanding the context of what I'm reading/studying/learning about/interacting with. To me, that's really important... I like making up mini-stories for the Books on Tape narrators, because I don't like the idea of this bodiless voice telling me a story. I wiki everything (yes, wiki is a verb)!

It should come as no surprise that the majority of my 'contribution' to my online Bible study is a daily list of bullet points of things I learned or thought were interesting. I like structure. Sue me. :)

So, I was talking to another member of this study online and we were comparing and contrasting our methods of interacting with God's word. I was explaining that because of this slight neurosis with context and thoroughness, I have to block off a certain amount of time daily to accomplish my reading and posting. If I don't have the time to do it 'properly,' it doesn't get done until I do- which sometimes means I have to make up days and then it's this GIANT chunk of time I am devoting. I mean, don't get me wrong- I love Jesus, but 3 hours in the book of Genesis can be a bit overwhelming.

She was telling me that she just reads and lets whatever hits her... just hit her. And then, according to her, my diatribes 'fill in the blank.' Like Bible Mad Libs. And I was just thinking about what she had said and our differences in approaching The Lord of the Universe and His EPIC conversation with us. Is there a point of study and 'decoding' that you can miss the Spirit of God?

I think that God has blessed me with the proximity of His grace and Spirit as I've started this project, but I think it's important for me to remember... this is not just a great work of literature. It is the Living Word of the Lord of the Universe. May I approach this daily time in a way that desires the SPIRIT of God to fall upon me.

Dostoevsky on Suffering

2010-01-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened."

— Fyodor Dostoevsky (The Brothers Karamazov)

Stolen from Tim Keller's sermon, Suffering: If God is good, why is there so much evil in the world?

DL it here: http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=category.display&category_ID=29

Just Beautiful

2010-01-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

It took like 250 pages for it to get interesting... but I'm super glad I stuck with it!!

Eugene remained in the furnace of Norfolk for four days, until his money was gone. He watched it go without fear, with a sharp quickening of his pulses, tasting the keen pleasure of his loneliness and the unknown turnings of his life. He sensed the throbbing antennae of the world: life purred like a hidden dynamo,with the vast excitement of then thousand glorious threats. He might do all, dare all, become all. The far and the mighty was near him, around him, above him. There was no great bridge to span, no hard summit to win. From obscurity, hunger, loneliness, he might be lifted in a moment into power, glory, love.

'Look Homeward, Angel'-- Thomas Wolfe

Giving Up Grey's for Jesus

2010-01-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

What does it look like to be radical? I'm trying to figure that out in my life right now. What's the balance between being a fundamentalist, home-schooling Christian, living with your 13 kids on a farm in the Midwest away from all possible temptation (and by definition, THE WORLD) and losing your soul to the shiny, glittery, seemingly attractive, but ultimately empty(ness) of this world? I have never walked the former... my gut reaction has been one of disdain and condescension. I have walked the latter... and without the grace and tenacity of the love of Jesus Christ would have kept on buying into the flashy delusions.

I still don't think that complete abandonment of the World is the answer. Jesus told us to be as strangers IN the world. Meaning two things: a) you must be interacting with your community and sharing the Gospel and b) you must be different. And not just like mis-matched shoes different, but like foreigner different. Like you don't speak the same language, have the same customs, hold the same values. You are radical. Ultimately, the goal is that "Christ"ians look like their namesake. The goal of those saved by grace should be to pursue righteousness and bring glory to God. That should look radically different from our natural tendencies to pursue money/sex/success/popularity/power and bringing glory to ourselves.

So, being radical looks different for everyone. Joshua Harris kissed dating goodbye. Ed Dobson attempted to live like Jesus in diet, appearance, and even voting habits for an entire year. The Summit Church of Durham gave almost one million dollars to missions in December 2009, during a plummeting economy. What does being radical look like for me? I want kindness and mercy to be the attributes that characterize me. I want to passionately pursue holiness... not so that I can hold myself up as a moral standard to my world, but so that I can point to the Giver of all good things and say, "To HIM be the glory!"

After living with myself for almost 28 years, I've gotten to know my personality and habits pretty well. I'm not a strong person. I have a strong personality... that part is true. But I'm not strong. I am not (yet!?) a person who can hold fast to my belief system while constantly exposing myself to another. I am a fantastic mimicker; I will just about latch on to anything that looks 'cool' to me at the time. So, with this said... to follow God and pursue righteousness, I've been assessing some of my habits and desires, evaluating what brings life and pushes me closer to the Living God.

My conclusion? I have entertainment habits that lead me to buy into other worldviews. I watch TV and movies that glorify romance and lust as the ultimate satisfaction. I listen to music that fills my ears with language that hinders my ability to have a holy tongue. I read books that bring despair to my soul with graphic descriptions of murder and the truly evil. Not all TV is evil. Not all music is the Devil's. And not all books need to be tossed into a protest bonfire held in front of your local library. But, God is touching my heart, softening my soul, lowering my tolerance for evil... because it's just all so empty next to the fullness of His grace.

With all this said... I'm giving up Grey's. I'm giving up Gossip Girl. These are two shows that I have watched for 'brain candy,' just the opportunity to check out and not engage in anything heavy. But, ya know... they are just BAD for my spirit. Worst case scenario: I buy into those value systems. Best case scenario: I waste time that could be spent growing in Christ.

The purpose of this blog? Hold me accountable. If you think all this God stuff is malarky anyway, hold me accountable to rub it in my face if I fail. :) If you are sketchy on the whole Christian premise, but think that ANYTHING is worth pursuing over crappy Primetime soap operas, hold me accountable for the sake of creativity and hobby superiority. If you resonate at all with any of the questions I am asking and the journey I am trying to navigate, hold me accountable for Christ's sake.

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."-Phil 1:6

True Story

2010-01-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I use my Blog List and Links I Stalk categories as a bookmark list :) You should too.

Side note... I ordered Stockholm Syndrome and it came today. I ordered it for the song, "What Matters More", which was apparently silenced. Not a happy camper....

Another side-r note.... switched the doglets over to Orijen today. A 29.7lb bag cost me $63. They better crap gold....

That is all. I am off to read about Job. He had it worse than me...

Serendipity...aka God Cares

2010-01-14T23:53:00.000-08:00

So, today I invited a traveling co-worker my couch to crash on tonight. She went out with a friend and I went over to Will's to watch Project Runway. (sidenote, SO glad that Cristiane was knocked out... couldn't stand her.... and also my favorite design won... where do I find that dress?!?!?) So, the girl calls when we are have ab 30 min left and is back at the house and the dogs are going nuts. I told her just to firmly tell them to be quiet and hear them tearing around and her asking them if they want to come back inside. I told her that they prolly needed to go potty and could go outside. Well, two seconds after my phone call ended, I realized that I hadn't told her to let them BACK in... and since both are chronic fence jumpers, this is an issue. I called back immediately, but got no answer. So, I told Will I probably needed to go and make sure they weren't terrorizing my guest and all that jazz. I get home... and they are goooone. I drove around for about 20 min looking for them at midnight. I didn't want to call out too loud bc it was late, but I was calling their names anyways. After calling Will and freaking out... I just began to make big loops around surrounding streets. After 20 min, I had this DUH moment and realized I had not said one word of prayer... so, I did "God,I pray that you will help me find my dogs." I was on a street I had been on 5 min prior calling their names and I swear, I heard the brush rustle over the sound of my car engine. I called again and Mazzy comes bounding out of the woods. After grabbing her, Brandtson came cautiously around the corner. I was so struck by how IMMEDIATE that answer was. They were prolly in that same area when I called their name the first time. But, God really showed me blessing in honoring Him with prayer.

Then, Brandtson chewed up my favorite purse tonight.... after about an hour search online, I found it! ONE, in Kansas, where my friend lives and can go pick it up for me! http://kansascity.craigslist.org/clo/1510951701.html...its the brown one!! This also makes me happy. Sometimes I think that God just likes to see us smile. Even if it is over material, pretty things.

OH!!!! and the biggest thing, I almost forgot. About a month ago, Facebook ate an album I had posted of our trip to Va Beach for my bday. There were tons of pics of Buff that were just corrupted and missing. I was heartbroken when I realized.... Today, we realized that Will had never deleted them from his memory card!! I could not be happier!!!!

So Powerful...

2010-01-07T08:15:00.001-08:00

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1371/Audio/

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' Down the River

2010-01-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

Very excited about the beginning of this New Year in a lot of ways. I am rockin out my resolutions... except for the sewing machine... haven't made it that far yet :)

I am well on my way to 6 smoke free days and it is getting easier and less announcement worthy each day. I have had to kinda steer clear of Will more than usual, but he has actually been very helpful by taking his smoking outside when we hang out at his dad's. Other than actually trying to quit himself (which I would LOOOOVEE!!!) I suppose this is about as supportive as it gets in sub-freezing temperatures!

My online Bible study is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!! I am overwhelmed by how God has ignited a passion in my for His words and at how He is allowing me to revel in who He is. I am so pumped about the girls I am involved with and how they are experiencing faith and prayer in a new, real, and powerful way. I was very interested to see how this whole scenario would turn out, being on the internet. On one hand, we don't know each other and aren't conversing face to face, so there seems to be an impersonality there. On the other... it's the internet. People tell each other all sorts of weird and crazy things. It has the potential, bc of its very anonymity to allow real truth to be spoken without the awkwardness of face to face interaction. So far, it seems that God is really allowing the second to bear fruit in our group! I am just thrilled, thrilled, thrilled!

I've been off work all week, so that has allowed me to really take plenty of time doing things that I'm trying to make habitual (cooking, reading scripture). I've enjoyed having the time, but am totally starting to freak out about not working! I was supposed to be in Roanoke this weekend, picking up a little extra money, but they canceled the entire gig! On one hand, I am glad to not be driving back and forth every day to get back for the Rosebuds shows. On the other...coulda used the money!

So psyched about the Rosebuds this weekend! Going off to read some more in 'Look Homeward Angel," while eating my roasted chicken, with hummus and carrot sticks!

Never too late for a little Awesome....

2010-01-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk4woNRD7NQ

Highs, Lows, and Resolve

2010-01-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

So, this Christmas, Will and I were invited to a Christmas dinner of some people that we didn't know very well. We went and they were extremely gracious and hospitable and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves (even with 2 of said family members not joining celebrations due to the stomach flu!). As we ate dinner, they went around the table and asked everyone their High and Low of the year. I thought that was pretty neat and quickly begin scouring 2009 for the juciest tidbits. While my low listed here will remain the same, I told Will later that I did not reveal my true High... I'm pretty sure it was not because I was ashamed, but more because I just didn't know these people... and didn't want to get all heavy and over the top at their Christmas dinner. But, here they are...

Low- Hands down, losing Buffy. It was probably the most heart-breaking experience I have ever gone through. I know several of the (2 hehe) readers that come across this blog donated to her treatment. For that, I am infinitely thankful... It gave me another 3.5 months of pretty good health with her. She was such a fantastic dog and I will hold her in my heart forever.

High- For the first time in close to/over a decade, I know EXACTLY where I stand in relation to Christ- and it's under the shadow of the cross. God has been ridiculously patient with me as I stuffed everything this world has to offer in my heart, trying to find the fit that gives peace. He has protected me from myself and shielded me from many of the consequences of my sin. I am thrilled to be finishing out '09 and starting '10 in the Joy of the Lord. I also know that this covering of grace is due in part to the prayers of family and friends. There are no words to express my gratitude at your perseverance.

In light of those revelations, I was struck by the sermon at my church a few weeks ago, which was speaking on the difference between resolve and resolution. Resolve is not a thing, an item, a to do list. Resolve is the grit inside you (and with the help of God) that you apply towards the process of santification. I think you can apply this resolve to many resolutions... even if the resolution does not seem to be actively seeking Christ, in a traditional sense. I believe that this world was created for man to enjoy with God. I believe that anything we do to enjoy creation and surrounding life, while glorifying our Creator is santifying. So, here are some of the things I am resolved to:

1) Reading through the Bible Chronologically in One Year-
As a generation, I believe we have some of the most 'religious' people, who know little to nothing about the doctrine they speak. Following 'debates' on social networking forums regarding religion or politics looks generally the same to me.... spew the jargon of whatever social commentator you happened to catch 5 minutes of while channel surfing. Whether you look to Hannity or Stewart, you allow your entire political identity to be labeled by biased information. Research your opinion! Being liberal in the aughts is like being conservative in the 80's... it's the cool thing to do. Know why you believe what you believe, research positions and platforms, and educate yourself.

The same philosophy applies to religion. KNOW what you believe. KNOW why you believe it. KNOW the God you claim to serve. This knowledge will increase your resolve. I am engaging the Scripture in a group of about 7-8 girls via an online Bible Study to fit our super busy schedules. I am hoping it is just a fantastic experience and God blows away any of our expectations.

2) Quitting Smoking- Uggghh... I quit for 3 years...and started up about a year and a half ago. It is a really nasty habit and I am at the point where I hate the taste and feel of the smoke AS I am doing it. I haven't smoked a cigarette in 2010...and hope to make it through my first week with flying colors... doesn't 7 days make a habit?

3) Get my sewing machine out and set up by Feb 1- I got a sewing machine for my birthday... April 30... and have not taken it out of the box.... I'm really terrible about things like that. I need to get it set up and play around with it, so that I can start ripping up these promo shirts to make my quilt!

4) Set 3 quarterly goals each quarter :) Starting out, my goals through the end of March are to stay strong on reading God's word, be done with the nasty nicotine, and get my sewing machine set up. Once those are established as habit, I can begin looking for other things to change in order to live simply, find joy, and follow God.

Stolen from My Dad

2009-12-22T08:24:00.001-08:00

"Great occasions do not make heroes or cowards; they simply unveil them to the eyes of men. Silently and imperceptibly, as we wake or sleep, we grow strong or weak; and at last some crisis shows what we have become." - Brooke Foss Westcott

It is Finished

2009-09-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

Well done, good and faithful servant....

Just plain happy!

2009-07-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Eating my tomato sandwich and sour cream and onion flavored Chex mix, washed down with iced tea. Listening to Regina Spektor's new album, which is amazing! Watching my Boodog love her life for the time being. Waiting for my boyfriend to come home and snuggle while re-watching Arrested Development.

Contentment.

Buffy

2009-07-02T19:37:00.001-07:00

This is a last ditch effort to save my dog's life. Please read.

http://www.fundable.com/groupactions/groupaction.2009-07-02.0059254529

Rob Bell

2009-06-16T14:15:00.001-07:00

"Because with every action, comment, conversation, we have the choice to invite Heaven or Hell to Earth."

Becoming 80

2009-05-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's happening... slowly, surely, and I love it! I am now a member of 3 Book Clubs, a knitting club, and a quilting club. I pepper this with a bit of kickball, occasional climbing (very occasional!), even sparser yoga and a LOT of grilling and pooltime. The result has me looking towards retirement in Boca very shortly!

Will's sister had her wee'un and I covet! I told him before it had even happened that I already had the fever and this was just going to make it worse. One little look at Emma and I was sunk! Fortunately, the only thing I want more than a baby is to have a baby with someone who actually wants to have one with me as well. I've never been the type to go all turkey baster on someone's ass..... But, this does not negate the loud ticking going on inside this 27's year old's body!

The summer is beginning splendidly! I am head over heels for a boy who is just as smitten with me. My dogs are growing up and becoming more mature and trustworthy every day. My job is GRRRREEEEAT! (to be read like Tony the Tiger) and I have never loved what I do more! I am reading up a storm and feeling like my brain might actually be returning to pre-drugged state. I've lost about 5 pounds (coming off birth control helps :)) and actually don't feel large and wolly mammoth like in a bathing suit. Got to go with my musical camrade Mike to see the National and was... like whoa... frikkin AMAZING... good gracious, can those guys rock?!?! Going to see the Decemberists on Thursday and have tix to No Doubt next Monday. Will loves Gwen Stefani's legs... but my personality.... boys....

Currently, I'm blogging before returning to my book by Chuck Klosterman, while being serenaded by Sufjan Stevens. Peace is on me.

Gonna Be a Long Night....

2009-05-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Will got an Xbox 360 and Guitar Hero for his birthday (from his fabo girlfriend). Practice commenced about an hour and a half ago and shows no signs of stopping :)

Craptastic

2009-04-16T22:44:00.001-07:00

Spending an hour an a half uploading the wrong photos to my scheduler.... I hate my life at 1:44am on my 22nd day of work with no break....

Busy... Like a Beaver

2009-03-23T19:33:00.001-07:00

LOVE MY JOB!!! Did I really just say that? It is freakin fabulous! I get to run around in the beautiful sunshine. I get a different job every day! It's never boring (although being predominately female, it gets a little high schoolish there every now and again)... and I am making great money! I'm finally back, after about a year, to making the kind of salary I was at RTP Insurance. There are ups and down, ebbs and flows, but I really see this being something I would enjoy doing longterm, if it were able to stand up to the economy.

I get lazy mornings with Will, where I make him dress up in fabulous free prizes I've procured from events
HAHAHAHAH!!!

I get time to play with Rita and her foster puppy! Cutie Brutus! Brandtson resumed his Michael Jackson affinity for little boy puppies. He doesn't like the girls, but the smaller and more boyish the males... well, let's just say close hugs and thrusting may occur... Brutus seemed to enjoy it and give back some good natured sexual confusion of his own. If you feel like this puppy should be a part of your family, email me and I will send you Rita's contact info!

Going to see Third Eye Blind this weekend!!! WOOOOOOT! They have been a favorite band of mine for years and I would give my left arm to see them live! They are coming Friday to Wilmington and Will and I are taking a quick overnight trip to immortalize them in my ears and eyes!

Other excitement coming soon! Kickball! Concerts! Festivals! Beach! Sunshine!!

Collective Guilt- Slavery, Apartheid, and the 21st Century

2009-03-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

So, I've been on this historical biography/documentary kick here recently and have really been challenged by a lot of what I'm reading. Not only am I being faced with the magnitude of great evil human beings manage to inflict on one another- but I've also been encouraged by our extreme desire and capacity to 'right wrongs', administer justice, and administer mercy to the persecuted.

I just finished reading 'From Midnight to Dawn: Last Stops on the Underground Railroad,' which was an eye-opening account of the migration of slaves, freeman, and many abolitionists to Canada pre-Civil War. It's always hard for me to read these stories, because there is a part of me that feels that I have 'no place' identifying with the Black Community. After all, I'm just a white girl in the new millennium. I'm not sure where that feeling comes from, since there should be no excluding factors on sympathy. So, perhaps the issue is that I feel like an impostor EMpathizer, as I have personally never experienced this degree of degradation, humiliation, and injustice at the hands of another racial group.

This seems to be a common feeling in the white kids of my generation. What do we do with our compassion and sympathy? Often, I believe, it is transferred into a sense of false guilt. I've sat in Race Relation seminars where my peers were apologizing to African American counterparts for the actions of their ancestors. This practice has also made a splash in the Evangelical population, where pastors from different denominations, races, and socioeconomic statuses gather to seek true worship and harmony under the guidance of God's grace and forgiveness. I've been particularly moved by these displays, because I desire love, forgiveness, and compassion to be the flavor of the world I live in. But, I have to be honest when I confess....although the gesture is pure, is there any underlying power in the choice for a non-involved party to offer a collective repentance for the sins of their fathers?

This question has lingered with me for a while and definitely been debated amongst my friends. It was only today that I read the answer that resonates the most with me. I am reading 'Country of My Skull,' which is a journalistic retelling of the stories shared during the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, after apartheid ended. As she sets the stage for the establishment of the committee, she questions the very and usefulness of such an entity. Interviewing a Chilean activist (who participated in a similar commission after the brutal reign of Pinochet), she is convinced by his passionate reasoning. He uses the philosophy of Jurgen Habermas (an early 20th century German philosopher) to support his views. This is what I found particularly interesting--

"Collective guilt does not exist. Whoever is guilty will have to answer individually. At the same time, there is such a thing as collective responsibility for a mental and cultural context that makes possible crimes against humanity. One should be aware of the fact that traditions are ambivalent and one should stay critical about traditions and be very clear about what should be continued... South Africa will always need to question its mentality, while communities with a stronger democratic culture will need not do it so often. "

I found this particularly telling in light of just reading about America's own 'crimes against humanity' and the resulting inner dialogue detailed above. This resonates with me. It answers the questions of my Caucasian, American peers. Does it accomplish anything to apologize to our Black friends, neighbors, coworkers apologies for the evils of our fathers? I don't think so. We can cast away guilt for sins we did not commit. Our ancestors answer to a Higher Power for their own transgressions. However, our traditions and culture are, to some extent, suspect because of their impure beginnings. (White) America, like South Africa, will always have to check its mentality towards our brothers and sisters of darker skin.

While we have no power to heal the wounds of the past, we carry the full weight of forging a Christ-like tomorrow.

It's a marvelous night for a snowdance...

2009-03-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

So, apparently NC is going to get snow AGAIN before this winter is over!! I've never heard of such madness! 2-6 inches- which will effectively shut the state down tomorrow. While I love snow, I am a little worried that my promo job is going to be canceled or delayed tomorrow... which would have a very unfortunate side effect on my wallet.

I have quit my Marriott job. I am simply not cut out for cubicle work... I need interaction with people and actual work to do. I do not respond well to catering to the rich and elite. I like average people with real needs to be met. This ultimately will transfer into a career in Social Work... but that dream becomes more and more elusive. They never tell you as a child- as they chant the mantra "shoot for the moon, land on the stars"- that moon expeditions are very pricey! After grabbing a look at my finances and realizing that my idealism most likely will not come to fruition at any point in the near future, due to finances AND getting a call from mi padre announcing his impending retirement within the year, I have made the decision to once again store my dreams of the future and buy his business. This is at least a 5 year commitment- meaning unless I can get into and actually have the time to attempt the MSW/MPH program at Carolina simultaneously, I may have a shot at being an ancient grad scholar and interviewed on some heart-wrenching NPR piece over the next decade.

Until this business transaction gets under way, I am Brand Ambassador-ing, Promo Model-ing, Secret Shopping, and Commission selling, aka 'scrapping to get by.' I did the math and can definitely equal what I was making at Marriott with less hours (more dog time :)) and more job satisfaction, until I make the jump to small business owner.

Wish me luck!

I'm not saying this bc I hate blind people....

2009-02-18T18:29:00.001-08:00

Finally caught up on some American Idol. Hollywood week- blind kid suuuuuucks with his piano. I'm all about kids with disabilities being given the same opportunities as kids without... but not through some misguided Affirmative Action.... kick the blind kid off!

Contentment

2009-02-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

Heya folks!

Valentine's Day got a WHOLE weekend this year!!! Considering a) I haven't had a 'real' Valentine in like 5 years and b) Will and I haven't had two whole days where we both were off work and had nothing to do since we started dating- this rocked my world!!

With a series of small, cheap dates and spending time with friends and family... it was the most relaxing time I've had in quite some time! Will got me lilies- my favorite flowers :) This makes me SUPER happy!

We also got to watch 30 min of what may be the greatest prize possession I now own. Apparently, about 20 years ago (oh.my.god.... saying that out loud makes me feel VERY old), my second cousin filmed a family gathering after a funeral. My uncle, who owns a videography company, remastered it for everyone for Christmas. Me, being the lazy ass I am, just got it from my mom. It was a precious (and solitary) piece of footage of my precious sister at 5- and a snapshot of my adoration for my grandfather. I sat and watched 30 minutes and sobbed. Good tears.

First real Valentine's Day in 6 year. Love the one you are with.

SNOW!!!

2009-01-20T10:24:00.001-08:00

More to come....

They are here now....My chilluns enjoying snow! Love their faces.

mmmmkay

2009-01-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty dense post... fyi... but REALLY well written. A friend of mine (Grad student at UNC) wrote it. I happen to agree with much of what he is saying. You may not- but it is certainly thought provoking.....

One of the most amusing trends in the last few weeks is the tacky hipster cottage industry that has grown up around Barack Obama's coming inauguration. Music videos, movies, children's books and even Spider Man comics are being devoted to a middle aged guy who likes aregula, or however you spell it. This is the sort of faddish, teenage behavior usually reserved for American Idol stars or the protagonists in vampire films, not a guy whose main job will include speeches at General Mills about how the nation needs more fiber in its diet, and receiving briefings on monetary policy. If these are considered "cool" nowadays, then cool has really changed since I graduated high school, when just the RUMOR that you could read the Periodic Table was a guaranteed pounding – I bet Obama could get all the way to Nitrogen. But sure enough, artists, college kids and rappers – the very bedrock of society – swear by Obama's anti-authority, nonconformity, and novelty. Which shows how easy it will always be to fool people so young that to them, 10th helpings looks like fresh produce.

First lets tackle anti-authority. I often get lectures from Chapel Hill's finest minds about the dreadful effect of Christianity/talk radio/Fox News on the free-thinking of its adherents, listeners and viewers. The idea behind these articulations often seems to boil down to the notion that people who like government growth are go against the flow, nuanced, and original, but that people who disdain government growth are sheepish, chaw-spitting followers who probably haven't even seen Supersize Me. Basically, anyone standing in the way of Obama's desire to ratify more spending on one of several programs that already get 500 billion dollars must be a boring corporate fascist. This is really funny stuff, because there are few things more authoritarian than the ideas which construct the worldview of supporters of government growth.

First, the idea that vocally supporting the growth of the largest, most well-armed, surveillance-capable, bureaucratic entity in literally the history of time is somehow fighting the man is so wrong that new words would be needed to properly explain how wrong it is. It's zagongic, or even crumptilian. People who think they're being edgy or somehow fighting corporations by enabling (one might say embiggening) the growth and empowering of an entity that's much larger than any industry (let alone corporation) in the nation isn't radical – it's radically ignorant. Fueled by visions of mom and dad making them dress up to go to the Olive Garden, people my age have this bizarre idea that corporations and economists and the free market hold them in a stall, and that only the blessed and noble touch of government, a.k.a. coercion and force, can fight back against their wicked overlords. Wrong wrong wrong. The biggest corporation in America can't lift a finger against me if I refuse to buy its goods, or even if I start a campaign calling them fascists, murderers, or worse. How far do you think a citizen would get if they said those things about a high-ranking government official (particularly if they lived in Chicago)? Government can use force, government can take your wealth away, government is the man – not Walmart (unless the government bails it out), which sells you delicious pez by the bucketload. See that thing called a standing army? See that IRS? See those smoking and fireworks bans? If supporting the growth of these things makes you a revolutionary, then the 1960's are officially dead, and I will personally give a wedgie to the next teenager who campaigns in my doorway. He'll probably cry all over his Che shirt. Growing the government is authoritarian, growing the responsibility of citizens is anti-authority. Obama is not anti-authority.

Some of my favorite morons were the people telling me in 2004 how Bush and Cheney would take over and never give up power, aided by their evil…guns and tax cuts. That's brilliant; Bush and Cheney are fascists who are going to take over with…their shrunken government and armed populace? If you want to run an authoritarian state, you need huge bureaucracies, high taxes, and a monopoly on guns – the very opposite of what Bush promised (ironically, many people still think Bush, who grew government faster than anyone except LBJ, is a shining model of a conservative/libertarian – these are people who DO know how to spell aregula, but tend not to know what the Z in the Nazi acronym stands for). Obama appears to be one of these people.

A second amusing tidbit is the idea that Obama is promoting nonconformity. Let's say that you asked a bunch of Tobacco scientists whether smoking was deadly and they denied it. Would you take them at face value? No, because their pay depends on them agreeing with Philip Morris and toeing the line. Now, say you take a bunch of free citizens who supposedly value freedom and independent-mindedness, and make them dependent on the government for public education, social…er, universal health care, social security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, housing subsidies, bailouts, license plates, zoning documents, and restaurant sanitation scores. These are our paragons of freedom and rebelliousness? You take 300 million individuals with their own dreams and goals and hopes and you give them all the same state-run monopolies to solve problems, and that's diverse and nonconformist? Intriguing. Far from promoting individuality, the government tends to promote dependence on a uniform, one-size-fits-all mentality. Taken too far, the government is a pusher and people who want it to grow are its loyal junkies, who need its product daily to function. "Steal this Book" should be reprinted in a new edition as "Filing Form 1240A while Saving a Bundle." Anti-corporation types love to accuse the rich of being under the sway of private sector money, but seem oblivious to the fact that once the government controls your medicine, your guns, and your income, you're a bought and paid for man or woman – you'll follow orders, or you'll pay. Just ask the Cubans.

Once you depend on the government (i.e. your neighbors) for your most important provisions, you have practically zero scope to talk about being hip and deviant – essentially, you're in an early nursing home, but with fewer transfats to choose from. This is what makes our university's abundance of "free-thinking" big-government supporting youngsters so gleefully amusing – by demanding that everyone in the U.S. get the same medicine, more similar salaries, the same education, they're supporting the ultimate conformity. C'mon guys, let's listen to our college professors and all deviate – the same exact way. At least our parents wrote some good music when they went through their "phase". Could this be the first time in history that parents (who nowadays actually are worried about getting enough fiber in their diets) are cooler than their kids? Obama seems to be counting on it. Sounding hip on The Daily Show doesn't make you a rebel, letting people choose their lives like adults and tolerating them when they choose poorly makes you a rebel, at least in this day and age.

The most incredible positive trait linked to Obama is that he is a novel agent in politics, a notion based, as best I can tell, on the fact that he is young and has a change-themed campaign slogan which he purloined from someone else (I'll be generous here and assume that no one voted for him because of his new skin color, which would be properly described as "racism"). I assume the above, because his policy proposals, which in their simplest form become, "the man in charge takes your things by force and uses them to maintain political power" are as old as the first tribal chieftain. Autocrats, both kind and wicked, petty and powerful, have been using taxes and the power over people they can buy to hold power since there were people, sometimes by trading in soldiers and sometimes by trading in universal health care. But the result is the same – you can get enough of the people to support you by fear or by reliance to keep yourself and your buddies in charge. In its most grisly incarnations, we call this tyranny. But even in its kinder form, which we call democracy, it is leadership based on force and taking. A man who grabs in 4 year intervals grabs just as surely as one who does it for life. Obama is just one in a great lineage of grabbers; there is nothing new here.

The real tragedy of democracy as practiced by men like Obama is that because the threats and the force come from 51% of the people, they are obscured as such. Even if Obama and his pals (who probably by and large drink their own soup, and mean well) benefit greatly from reallocations, this will be obscured in the good that comes of the trillions of dollars that will be taken from some and given to others. But the fact that it DID get taken from some, the fact that each dollar taken destroyed more than a dollar somewhere else (because it had to go through the government bureaucracies), means that in the aggregate, damage and not good was done. Some poor were helped, more were hurt. And the help was paid for with blood money of sorts, taken involuntarily from funds that might have gone to retirement, or college tuitions for kids…no amount of description can adequately deride the shell and ball game that is government redistribution, which can be new only in form, not content.

So Obama isn't all he's cracked up to be, despite Marvel Comics' attempt to cash in on his inauguration. Should we cry about it? No, because it's actually great news. The minute one realizes that the government can't really help you (or if it does only in an erratic, corrupt, and dependency-inducing fashion), then you revert to being a private citizen instead of a zombie. All the things the government claims it can do for you or for the poor people you care about, you can do better.

Because you live in a (mostly) free market, you are free to do the one thing that has ever helped the poor without making people poor somewhere else: create jobs. Not by government fiat, but via some new idea – a novel semiconductor, a new food, a new book, a new social networking site. By figuring out a way to do more with less, you increase what is called productivity – you make the pie itself larger, rather than simply changing the relative size of the slices. These things, not Obama's policies, are what is fresh and new in America, except these things are always fresh and new. We don't need an election for the free market to function – it's simply a codephrase for free people, and they're always making life better for us behind the scenes, regardless of what your professor told you.

You can do charity better than the government too, because you can decide who gets it and who doesn't, who needs it truly and who is simply gaming the system. You will do microfinance, you will do faith-based recovery programs, you will do secular dressed-for-success programs, you will give no charity because you're too busy working 80 hour weeks as an inventor and advancing technology, which has done more to help the material state of the needy than all the good intentions and charitable organizations the stout-hearted ever dreamed up – and that's no insult, because functionally you want both to exist. By solving problems that government zombies said couldn't be done without force and threats from above, you will be showing yourself to be a greater nonconformer than Obama and his gaggle of dunderheads ever will, and you didn't even have to spend half your life getting elected to do it.

The greatest finger into the eye of authority in our time is found almost entirely outside of politics – it is the life of the citizen who is content to enjoy the blessings of freedom while being unenvious of the rich, unsupportive of entitlement yet gracious in private givings, steadfast in private principles and religion yet tolerant of deviation, and free to enjoy God, family, and countless constructive pursuits. Reliance on government is the great corrosive to this way of thriving, and pity, not anger, is due to those not yet amongst its detractors

-Nick Baldasaro

Simple Economics

2009-01-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

Love the dollar fifty movie theater. Will and I went on a $3 date yesterday! Amazing! Saw Eagle Eye- definitely worth seeing. Although, it is very difficult for me to see Shia as anything but the nerd from Even Stevens....

Side note... I am angry at the word 'definitely." It mocks me with its spelling, as I firmly believe that it should be spelled "definately," definitely.

And the Verdict is....

2009-01-15T08:34:00.000-08:00

Guilty secret- I watch American Idol... I hate myself a little more every morning, but it's true.

That said, who the fuck is Kara Dioguardia? So flippin annoying and stuck-up.... I hope she falls and breaks her face....

Blind guys should not be given high fives. If you make the mistake of attempting to give a blind man a high five, you should not then reach down and touch his pocketed hand, saying 'I'm giving you a high five.' A) Clearly that has become a low 5 at this point and B) you look like a douche...

If you frequently audition for jobs- wear a bikini. I am not ashamed to say- that girl's ass was out of this world! If only... le sigh....

H to the izzo-O!

2009-01-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Heya folks!

Christmas and New Years came and went with little activity. It was super relaxed and I got to spend great time with friends and family! I have pictures of these said festivities, but I'm damn lazy about getting them off my camera... patience, grasshoppers...

Started my new job at Marriott and finally am getting into the swing of things a bit. It's definately a new experience, in addition to being a startup initiative... so the job description itself is a little hazy right now. Hopefully, that will begin to clear up and allow me to have clear goals and expectations for my day-to-day routine! Top perk definately has to be the free lunch.. woot woot! I may gain poundage... or maybe I will try out the free gym membership.... we'll see!

Getting psyched about kickball this spring! Gonna rock D-town and the Capital in ways never even heard of before :P I've also joined a Meetup group to train for a 1/2 marathon. We'll see how long I stay motivated ;)

I am definately beginning to worry that my entire state of mind is dependent on the anticipation of my next meal... watch out for me on 'The Biggest Loser!'

Enuff Said....

2008-12-24T11:20:00.001-08:00

http://www.galleryoftheabsurd.com/2008/12/for-the-brangel.html

MY GOD!

Sublime

2008-12-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore can

*************************************************************************************** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 SMITTEN <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Weekend Warrior

2008-12-18T15:11:00.000-08:00

The strangest thing about being unemployed (full-time) is that my weekends are always the time when I am booked and have no time... I spend my weekdays sleeping till noon, taking the dogs on adventures, using up all my cell phone minutes, and goofing off. Then the weekend strikes! I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fit all my plans into 2.5 days. It's too insane! I'm going to try to keep taking promotional jobs when my new job starts officially, but I can't imagine it will last long before it runs me absolutely ragged.

On another note, I want absolutely everything I sell at Restoration Hardware. Besides maybe the stocking stuffers... other than that- EVERYTHING! If I wasn't so broke, I could see my entire paycheck going back into the store!

I have some really big decisions coming up, so keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I decide on these things!!

Blessed

2008-12-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

1) Getting a job! Whoo hoo!! It's about flippin time... I start Jan 5 and will be working as an Administrative Assistant for the Regional Sales Team for Marriott. Working at Crabtree, so it won't be that bad of a commute. Decent money- not the best, but plenty of opportunity for advancement, not only in pay, but also position. And what a great company to work for if I want to transfer!

2) Getting a second job! Seasonal at Restoration Hardware. The manager is an old family friend of ours and was very prompt and generous in offering me a position for the next few weeks as I waited for the new job to kick in. The pay is extremely generous for a cashier's position, so I am happy to have this opportunity (and the discount :))

3) Unexpected checks! I did a promotional gig with a company a few months ago that hired me at a certain rate and then changed my rate of pay without informing me. I had talked to several different associates regarding the issue and had finally found someone that seemed to have a working 'give a damn.' Still, no follow-up, no word... I gave up. But yesterday, the check came for the extra pay! That's an extra $80, so 'mi aminals' can eat today!!

4) Showing up randomly at Janice's house and getting to spend a good hour or more catching up with her. I love good friends... and friendships that can be picked up in the same place-even when life has led you in different directions for quite some time.

5) Will. He fills me up with smiles. Every day I discover a new reason to be smitten and I couldn't be happier!!

6) Will- he deserves two mentions :)

7) My family! Who after a long seperation of space and communication this summer and fall have been extremely generous in assisting me, both financially but in support of my job search. It's nice to know that familial love and commitment knows no boundaries and they will always be a safety net for me.

8) Laura Wolfe taking a few minutes out of her busy, new mama schedule to chat with me while my heart was breaking. I am truly saddened by physical distance between us- and my empty wallet, which makes visiting almost impossible. But, I am very thankful to have her as a friend.

9) My bestest of all time extending the olive branch, reconciling a friendship of almost a decade. I love this girl more than anything and am very blessed to have her in my life.

10) Having enough money to go down to SC this weekend!! Can't wait to see Nickj, Nat, and Ash! It's been over a year- far too long! And I get to remove demon cat from my vicinity! Woooott!!

Book my Agent....

2008-12-04T18:48:00.001-08:00

I am the Birdman... I am J.R (uhh)

2008-12-03T14:41:00.000-08:00

Been listening to 'Feed the Animals,' the new Girl Talk album preeeeeetttyy much nonstop for the last month. It is amazing and makes me want to shake it like a polaroid picture...

Thanksgiving was LOVELY! I know most people enjoyed it for the 4 days off work and their families... I, however, have been unemployed since July and would have worked on Thanksgiving if given the opportunity. In lieu of a job that actually creates money for my bills, I spent the day with Will and his family, met his mom for the first time, and gorged myself on typical southern Thanksgiving fare. I LOVE COLLARDS! Literally could eat them every day! The food and relaxation must have done me in though, since I was in bed drinking hot tea by candlelight by 10:30.... laaame! Follow that up with 2 days worth of cooking soups to freeze, playing Battleship, and doing puzzles.... geriatric!

I was tentatively offered a job this week- pending references and a passed drug test. I did a jig in my kitchen over the news! Seriously, like a improv Riverdance.... Anyways, it would be an Admin Support system for the Regional Sales Team for Marriott. I think it will be a fast-paced job. And, while the pay is not amazing, I will have health insurance for the first time since I was 18, a steady paycheck, $20 rooms at any Marriott in the world, the ability to transfer within the company when I move out west, and plenty of opportunity for overtime. I think that combining this with other promotional opportunities will allow me to get back in a good financial place! So, fingers crossed!!!

I'm getting sick and have two parties this weekend that can't be missed. Must go back to sleep... but seriously needed to update!

One of the Most Brilliant Monologues on Sexual Abuse I've Ever Read

2008-11-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

Sexual violation is a form of robbery. You arrive home to find your house ransacked. All items, the precious and the mundane, the priceless and the merely expensive,have been treated the same way. All items have been turned into the same item. Overturned, flung aside, the picture of the grandparents and the contents of the cutlery drawer. You can still hear the foot-stomps through your house. You can buy a new TV but only time will restore the cushioned peace of your home, heal the rent in the air on the stairs, the aftershock in the living room, all those places where emptiness has been allowed to leer obscenely into your home. Why us? Nothing personal.

(...)

Rape treats the victim like nobody, like everybody, like anybody, bitch! Up the ramp, through the door to the slaughterhouse. The uncountable qualities that make one individual different from another, shocked away; the soul, shocked away from the body, looks on in sorrow and pity at what is happening to its sister, its brother- bitch! It will be very difficult for the body to allow anything to inhabit it after that. Very difficult for it to allow the soul to re-enter. The soul may have to be content to follow close, make common cause with that other lonely follower, the shadow. It is the soul. The shadow's request is more humble, it asks only to be seen. Please don't turn away, every time you turn away, I die.

(...)

Sexual violation turns all children into the same child. Come here. Yes, you. Children heal quickly, so that, like a tree growing up around an axe, the child grows up healthy until, with time, the embedded thing begins to rust and seep and the idea of extracting it is worse than the thought of dying from it slowly. I'm not hurting you. Once pleasure and poison have entwined, how to separate them? What alchemist, that therapist, what priest or pal or lover?

--The Way The Crow Flies, Anne-Marie MacDonald

Karaoke is for Lovers

2008-10-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

After working Friday and Saturday nights and passing out as soon as I got home, I needed a little excitement in my life last night... sidebar- very productive weekend with lots of yummy cooking and time with the canikids :) .... so, enter He's Not Here Sunday Night Karaoke.

Met up at Andrea's to wait for everyone to get home and Will to get off work. Drank Traci's leftover Yuenglings (thanks girl!!) and was gonna call it a night for the drinking... ha! Got over there at 10:30 or so and split my first blue cup with Drea. I can neither confirm nor deny that I shook it like a salt shaker. I can, however, confirm that it was HOT as anything in that place! I made the brilliant move of wearing a cami under my shirt with no bra. So, when I removed the shirt I strategically placed my scarf ends over my perkies and continued the dance revolution :) Would you expect anything less?!

Befriended a lonely boy sitting on his own and adopted him into our fold for the rest of the night. Definately sang back up for his touching rendition of 'I will do anything for love," which pretty much is one of my favorite bar songs EVER! I danced to the entire version at the Tavern one night with Lea and Andrea... that is a good 9 minutes of Meatloaf dancing... Unfortunately, Lea and my dream of serenading the crowd with our Peaches glory was short-lived, as the 'tiddies' were unavailable...

And.... the inevitable... I spilled my second blue cup in my lap.... like, ALL over my lap. Definately looked like I peed myself and the walk to the car was miserable. I removed them as soon as I got in. And then had to tie my jacket around my waist to do the no pants parking lot dance at Andrea's so I could pee. No bra, no pants... and the spins like a mofo... I passed out like it was my job! Well, after we got home... since Will's car is a bit too shaky for me to close my eyes and not vomit in... I don't know what happened to me- but I am one cheap date these days!

Hungover as anything today... and must produce business.... ugggh.

Holy Hell

2008-10-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like it. Uggh...must work today through the headache, phlegm, and stuffyness. The fun part is going to be making myself cute enough to meet apartment people for appointments. Buy my product... just dont look at me too closely....

Mindblown and Hipsore

2008-10-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Girl.Talk.rocks.my.face!!!! Seriously, I don't think I've danced that hard since Of Montreal. He was absolutely AMAZING! If I had been under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, I really don't think I could have handled it. He is ridiculously talented at mixing. Ashleigh and I just kept looking at one another with dropped jaws, like 'seriously?! he is putting these songs together?!' It was insane energy too. I was drenched in sweat and went for a quick smoke break midshow. There was a guy who literally had steam clouding him, coming off his own body! I'm going to have to figure out how to get up to New York and catch a show or two this spring!

Tonight I'm going with BG and Andy to see Mofro and JJ Grey, which will be a definite change of pace. Should be a really fun show and I always love hanging out with those crazy kids :) Tuesday is already my favorite day of the week because of kickball! Maybe I can talk Will into coming, so I can have a few drinks and not have to drive...

Speaking of, I am eligible for a hearing soon to see if I can get my license back! This would be glorious, since I haven't had a full, unrestricted license since Feb '07. Ha, I'm such a renegade! This also means that many roadtrips are in my future! So, put on your party pants, bc I'm pretty sure I'm coming to your town!

Smitten too. No details yet, but I am. Very in like. Cute boy. Smiles and butterflies.

Only when my heart is free can my mouth find words to sing...

2008-10-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like my life is tipping back into a manageable state and that thrills me to death. I've tossed off relationships full of baggage and have focused on forming friendships with people who do actually step outside of themselves once in a while to actually care about another human being. Letting go of some of these was easy and painless... others ripped my heart in two and made me wonder how people can change so much that they are unrecognizable to my heart. It is foreign to me how people can reach places where discarding true relationships is easy and effortless. I've always been one to hold onto my good friends- from Atlanta, San Francisco, Auburn, Rota- my true friends know that they can call me at any time and I will drop it all to come if they truly need me. It amazes me that one of the relationships I've invested the most in my life is so fractured that in the middle of my breakup with Nate, losing my job, tension with my family, financial chaos, and an eviction, I didn't hear from this person in over 3 weeks. After a particularly epic fight (and months of not speaking) a few years ago, I rose to the occasion and threw many celebratory shindigs in honor of a special event in this person's life. It is sad to me that in the middle of simply feeling like there is not as much in common anymore, their natural response would be to pull even further away from me instead of making any effort to repair our friendship. I finally got this all out in an email and have more peace regarding the situation. I do know that my world is expanding and theirs has closed in, which makes a big difference. I'm learning to simply accept these choices and be thankful for the memories of a heart that knew mine.

Wrangled

2008-09-30T13:34:00.001-07:00

The bitch is back! Thanks for the crossed fingers!

Houdini Mazzini

2008-09-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

IF SEEN, PLEASE RETURN TO LAUREN (who will soundly... yet virtually... beat my ass - and then let me sleep in her bed bc she is so glad I'm home...)

The Great Mazzeroni and Cheese on the Loose (again).

Jana had 3 trees cut down this weekend and a big pile of wood by her fence. This wench climbed the pile and jumped the fence yesterday with little Pegleg. A SIX FOOT fence!!! StoneMan was in the yard all day, but Mazz has yet to return. And we all know Buffy's fat ass couldnt even get over the damn fence.... I've called the local vets, have an ad on the pets section of Craigslist, a post on Jana's listserv, called the Emergency vet, checked the Lost and Found ads in the local papers, and am waiting for the shelter to open, so I can call and file a report. If she's not found today, I will put up fliers. Any other brilliant ideas?

Hurricane Belle

2008-09-29T08:25:00.001-07:00

A bunch of y'all know that earlier this year I was affiliated with a local rescue- and that this area got hit with a really awful distemper epidemic. It was truly tragic and I personally lost over 15 fosters. The rescue did not have the resources to care for the healthier pups, so all of them were euthanized- except one special baby that I did an adoption transfer for... Maybelle Jane, aka 'Hurricane Belle.'

Once she was over her quarantine period, I put an ad up on Craigslist and a wonderful older lady responded enthusiastically. Maybelle went to go live with 3 other dogs with with lovely new mother, who works from home, loves her to pieces, and spoils her rotten. Maybelle is now 'Macy,' since there was another 'Belle' in the house and is almost a year old now. Ms Hooker made my heart almost burst with happiness when I emailed her to check on my precious little girl. Here is Hurricane Belle in her new home--

I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS!!

Anarchy

2008-09-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

Fruit flies are taking over my office!!! I have no idea where they are coming from... only that they are obviously hellbent on my destruction. Gross!

So, I was auctioned off for the SPCA on Friday night. It was glorious... made complete by BG's winning bid- enslaving me as his love slave for 2 whole hours. I think we decided to watch 'Cool Hand Luke' and remember Paul Newman and his youthful appeal. Well, I am going to drool over his hotness. BG will probably be mocking me mercilessly... or attempting to pimp me out. Apparently my makeout skills are going for $1/min. Take note boys- the price only looks expensive :) I only had 5 drinks over like 6 hours and was hungover ALL DAY Saturday. I did not make it out of bed till 5:30 pm... ugggh.

I got NO moving done this weekend, due to my hangover and a friend's heartache. That should make this weekend especially interesting- and super busy! Distribution tonight and tomorrow after kickball. Moving like a crazy woman Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Promo Thurs-Sun nights. I need to paint the 2-3 walls in my new place this coming up weekend too. Also need to get my papers written this week and in for grading by the 13th!

Come on Concerta! Give me wings!

Coffee and Bagels

2008-09-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

Brueggers's Bagels had me at hello! The one morning, however, that I attempt to eat some breakfast, of course, there is free food... the law of my life.

So today I begin 'real work.' I've realized that in a startup a lot of your time is spent preparing for the actual day when you will DO. I'm an action girl, so this has been a bit of a motivation issue for me over the last week. But, today we get to start quoting and writing business! In addition, our doors open October 1, so Cary Madison Partners will be coming to a town near you- care of yours truly. I am partially commission based, so I prolly will bug the crap out of you to get quotes and see if I can save you ridiculous amounts of money :)

The Weepies are brilliant harmonists. Their Pandora station is almost angelic... I've skipped one song in the last 48 hours. Not too shabby!

WAKA midseason party on Friday. I'm being auctioned off, so come out with your quarters and dolla bills, yall! make some money for the SPCA- and more importantly, don't leave me on the platform looking forlorn and unbid for :( I'm really scared that no one is going to bid for me... or that, even worse, Slingin Kick is going to bid for me and force me to do unmentionable things in retribution for how I called them out in the GMOT newsletter. Call a kid a D-bag these days and everyone flips the heck out!

Moving into my new place this weekend!!!!! This statement deserves a few more exclamation points I think!!!! I have wanted to live on my own for a while now and simply placed my need to pay off debt at a higher value. But, after this last debacle, I realized that I never want to live with passive-aggressive girls again. It was like a repeat of Stupid Allie all over again. Really, people, is it necessary to have a 20 response email chain over spices?! But, it is over and I have new hardwood floors and carpet and over 1000 sq ft to call home! Close enough to bike to work and not waste copious amounts of gasoline going to Raleigh 4 times a week. And a little gym so I can be workin on my fitness :)

An Epic Question

2008-09-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

please speculate, comment, or question your entire value system... i kinda am....

If you had to choose one or the other for all of time- meaning if you chose one, you could NEVER again experience the other- music or human touch?

discuss.

Spices, Cab Rides, and Dog Shit

2008-09-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Passive-Aggressiveness. Don't do it. Step away from the snarky and the snide. Arm yourselves with words of honesty, truth, and freaking GROW THE HELL UP!

Those who know me well- this is my Achilles heel. I will be the most laid-back person you know and will bend over backwards to try to be a good friend to you-- until you do this. Then I have nothing to say to you and will make it my mission to 100% eradicate you from my life. Drives me flippin crazy!

I may offend you at times, but rest assured, you will always know where you stand with me. I will never say anything behind your back that I haven't said to your face. And I won't pretend I'm still in high school, when I'm pretty sure I left that petty BS behind 10 years ago.

Public Service Announement/Rant Off.

ps- I have not taken the new Matt Wertz album out of my cd player for a week now. Wertz=happiness :D
pps- Nate is coming to see me!!!

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart....

2008-09-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

Life is a hectic maze we struggle through 90% of the time. Following our needs and desires, we pursue money, sex, food, friends, success, etc., attempting to find contentment and fulfillment. I have recently found myself evaluating my personal attempts to procure this security. It ultimately seems that the harder I try to create my niche, the more drastic the disappointment of having NOTHING I wanted to work out actually coming to fruition.

Short story of all this is that I (and my dogs) are living with Jana for the next week, while my cats have been pimped out to other kind friends. I am desperately in love with the man who has held my heart for the last two years and miss him with a suffocating force. I haven't spoken to my parents in over two months, and while I miss them, I can't find any words of reconciliation. My friendships are shifting so that my best friend of 10 years has no clue what is going on in my life but I have some of the most loyal, helpful friends coming out of the woodwork during this crisis. It also spotlights my shallow friendships- the ones that exist as long as you are fun and happy, but disappear during the storms of life. My dreams of paying off my debt are dying as I'm realizing that living alone is probably going to be my best option- but will drain the finances I wanted to put toward my debt.

I'm currently reading "The Way the Crow Flies," by Ann-Marie MacDonald and it is a gripping reminder of the futility of creating our inpenetrable fortress. Whether in the idyllic 1950's or the consumerist driven Aught's, we cannot control our worlds. Our best efforts are subject to hurricanes, financial setbacks, or horrific loss of innocence. As I'm trying to wrap my mind around all this, I look back towards the faith that I was brought up in- and the peace that accompanies unspeakable grief present in many of my Christian acquaintances. My fear is expressed in these Caedmon's Call lyrics:

"I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old"
-Prove Me Wrong

Regardless, I yearn for the comfort- false or not. Repeatedly, my heart seems drawn back to this doctrine. Is it a product of my upbringing or simply because it is the truth? I am unsure and scared to commit to either option.

Laugh Till You Cry....

2008-08-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

I did!

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

The genius....

to get you through the hard times....

2008-08-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

some of my hilarity recently:

speaking of a TALL kickballer on another team in our league: i feel like sex with him would be like twister... with limbs just flying everywhere

to my roommate today on gchat:
i'm soo broke
i fed the dogs brown rice, eggs, and cottage cheese for breakfast
they thought they were getting a treat
little did they know, their mom is a broke ass ho

to my friend BG who just had half his palate burned off: and if you EVER ignore my text message again, i will shoot you in the face.... (his visiting sister looks properly terrified)

nate, regarding drama on my kickball team: what are y'all, in third grade.... wow, this really IS kickball

me, at kickball: hey ray-ray, you know how you wore your lucky boxers? i have on my lucky panties! (show the front of my blue and pink superwoman pantaloons) / kim: wow! i think every guy on this field just got hard....

at kickball (again), Jake commenting sarcastically on how he wasn't raised by filthy rich people who could afford him the opportunity to play kickball in diamond earrings, ashleigh n: well, were you raised by a pack of assholes?!

to andy: oh fake lover, i would love to fake hate you....

Operation Lizard Lick

Oh HAI!!!!!!

enjoy the rest of your summers!

wow.... just... wow

2008-08-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, I got a new job Friday. I was very excited about it... or as excited as one can be when the last three weeks have deepened my melanin production to extremes not seen since I got 3 months of summer vacation every year. I said goodbye to the pool and prepared to reacquaint myself with Gchat and other perks of the 9-5 lifestyle. It was a bittersweet moment as I roused myself from slumber at 7:45 am and blearily prepared my lunch. Nervous anticipation prickled... I may have even sweat a little on the drive over...

Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the workplace that I entered. My desk is covered in files, mail, trash, messages dating back to godknowswhen. There are bags and bags of trash in the room next to the front that apparently no one has taken out. The office itself is dirty and unclean. I was here 5 minutes and my boss left! No training, no direction other than just open and organize the mail.... so, I have been doing nothing for about 3 hours now, since that took next to no time to complete. The only other 2 people in the office are just as lost as I, since one started yesterday and one began just 6 months ago.

So, I begin to open the mail and there are close to 25 collection notices! Every other phone call is a collection agency. I am now really worried that I am working for a company that is on the verge of bankruptcy. When I interviewed, I was told that there were some financial concerns, but that it was the result of a previous employee not collecting past due bills from clients. I am seriously questioning that within one day of working here.... I spoke to the employee that has been here for 6 months and he recommended that I speak with the owner, indicating that my concerns may have validity.

Sending out more resumes.... good grief...

We're high above but on the floor.....

2008-07-29T03:34:00.000-07:00

Broken. My heart, my world. In a time when I have more people than I can ever remember surrounding me, things to do at all times, stable living, no school stress... and I am more alone than I can remember being in a long time.

I'm currently without a job... at least a 9-5er. I just picked up a few shifts at the 'Star. It was my first job... I began there and I may die there :) I was honest with them about my availability and the fact that once I start a 'real' job again, I will keep 1-2 shifts a week, but not pledge my allegiance to the corporation. In 'real job' news, I was offered a position at an executive staffing firm that seems very promising. I also am interviewing for another position at an attorney's office tomorrow morning, where the salary is about what I was making before, plus benefits. With a few serving shifts a week, I should be able to get on my feet and accomplish my goal of paying off my car this year!

Nate and I are over. It's hard to let that dream die as I remember just a year ago at the love we shared. I don't know what happened, just that we changed. I know I did.... and I feel like his deployment changed him much more than I thought it would. I assumed that this being his third tour, he would have faced all the demons and he would be strong. He is different and unhappy. I am no longer what he wants... and I don't want the man that the war returned to me. The breakup is amicable. We both love each other very much, but are headed for different dreams.... the sad part is I know what mine are, but he doesn't. I hope for his sake that those dreams, whatever they may be, are greater than the dreams he once had of our life together.

In light of these developments, I am kicking myself for not going ahead and moving to Boulder 2 months ago. I stayed for a job and a boy- both of which have disappointed me. I will stay here for another year, bc honestly at this point, I don't have the money to leave. I do enjoy my living situation and the friends I've made in the past few months. I can eek out a tolerable life here, but am dreaming of the day when I blow this popsicle stand! Boulder for a year, SLC or Portland for grad school, and then Australia or Vancouver, or wherever the wind blows me!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this transition!

Go Nate, Go Nate, Go!!

2008-07-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

Congrats to my boy for getting his 90-day card and being eligible for Jumpmaster school.... even if he doesn't really want to go :-/

He should know within a month or so what the future hold for him in the army, as far as whether he is staying at Bragg (and deploying for another year in March) or transferring to another assignment (and adding 2 more years onto his commitment). Both are pretty sucktastic choices...I just hope I can be loving and supportive through this mess.

In happier times... .

Lauren's Lovely Luxurious Stories

2008-06-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, I was going through my *2* memory boxes that I have carted from house to house and added to, but never really gone through them since middle school. It was probably the most epic adventure of the month. There were treasures in that box that are priceless. Lauren's Lovely Luxurious stories featured cryptic tales of modern day Snow White fantasies, plane crashes stranding the "Friends 4-Ever" Club, and the mini-biography of a 9-year-old me expressing my dreams to be a jockey, horse trainer, dog trainer, veternarian- or maybe a combination of all 4! There was also found a grand tale, appropriately named "The Trunk in the Attic," filled with healthy doses of not-so hidden foreshadowing, mayhem, and death.

I FINALLY finished the giant armoire love affair that lasted well over a month from my initial move into my new house. It is now residing in my bedroom, waiting for me to finish the unpacking dervish I have begun. I can't wait to actually have all the clothes put away and decorate! I love the house, love the girls, tolerate our nutty landlord F(anny)P(ack) Jim, and am really throwing myself into enjoying this summer.

The dogs are doing well and I am questioning the necessity of even forking out $800 for the little B-man's surgery. He navigates around quite well without it and never seems to be in pain anymore. The only time it's an issue is when he is really tired, he has more trouble getting around. And, when he is running full speed, his little peg leg flaps around in the breeze, as he sprints on the other three. The kitten brigade is winding down.... after tomorrow, only 3 remain and those are the three that are going to stay in my or Nate's house. They are about 8 weeks old and silly little bits of flufferdoo hopping all over our house, leaving mayhem in their wake.

That's all I feel like writing right now.... so, back to the grind.... ugggh.

Wallermelon and 'Mater Sammiches

2008-06-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

It's SUMMER! I guess the equinox has not officially occurred, but I live in NC, so for all intents and purposes... it's summer. Trips to the Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings, fresh tomato sandwiches, watermelon, music festivals, the beach, aaaaaand.... the infamous summer move. A suppose this is a prerequisite for 20-somethings. The temperature must be over 90 degrees, humidity should hit its year to date high, and there should be at least 2 flights of stairs involved. I'm hitting all the key points this Saturday as I make my final move within NC. I will not move again until I'm heading to South Carolina with Nate or out to explore the wild, wild west with my pet posse!

I'm still trying to convince Daddy Dearest to let me go to Roo. It's Diana's last week in town and she is totally pressuring me to make the sojourn with her. She wants to party... I want to see Sigur Ros. Like, BAD! I have a ticket available for me for $150, since people bought all their tix and then can't go now, one week before the show. Tough break, but lucky me.

I leave you with this lovely blurb from an office memo written by my father regarding a mistake I had made....

The agent who made the mistake in deleting this has been verbally instructed that this is a serious error. Her punishment would normally be gibbeting or defenestration from 8 stories, but since she is my daughter, we have elected the more merciful penalty of a quick decapitation. This should ensure that this error never happens again.

Love the D.A.D.! Enough to get him one of theeeeeese for Father's Day?! I think so.
http://cgi3.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=bill-cosby-charity-auction

3 Steps Forward... 2 Steps Back...

2008-05-26T11:39:00.001-07:00

Relationships are hard. Not just the romantic kind... all of them are. Friendships have their own set of issues that are unique to platonic interactions, but interactions with those you love romantically are especially heart-wrenching.

I find myself in the difficult position of relearning Nate. Not only getting to know him again, but separating the fantasy created in 15 months apart from the reality of who he was and has become. He pointed this out the other day when I was commenting on his excessive sarcasm. He told me I act like I don't know him at all... like I built up a fantasy Nate in my head while he was away. This was said with a grin and was not intended to be a super serious commentary, but has stayed with me. How much of our current struggle is derived from unrealistic expectations, based on a boyfriend model that I created... or a girlfriend that he invented... while we have been apart?

We are not giving up on our love or this relationship, but it is hard. We fight and make up and fight again. I am riddled with insecurity that I never had before, which creates an annoying clingy-ness that is difficult to deal with. I realize that I'm doing it AS I'm doing it... but I can't stop myself. The hope is that time will heal the divide and we will be able to fall in deep love again. We both have high hopes and a belief that we can weather this if we both stay committed. I guess that's called faith.

The Best Part of Waking Up.....

2008-05-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

was not in fact Folger's in my cup, this am. I bleary-eyed stepped out of my room, heading towards my bathroom, when.... BAM!!!.... barefoot into one of the several piles/pools of diarrhea that the dear Diaper left for my while I was slumbering. I am growing to slowly hate this dog. He is old and crotchety- which means he is mean to Mazzy and little 'Ston. He barks his fool head off everytime someone moves in the house and won't shut up until you scream at him. And, his bowels are all kinds of messed up. He keeps shitting and pissing in my room... bc apparently this is not part of the 'house'-training. When I close the door.... in the hall or in my bathroom across the hall. Grrrr! My room smells like piss and my foot prolly has some exotic Mexican tapeworm burrowing towards my heart!

I am scrambling to make Memorial Day weekend plans, since my Boone plans fell through. I am trying not to act like a petulant 3 year old and stamp my foot, but I'm REALLY irritated. I'm not only having to make last minute plans, but trying to find people to go with me, so I'm not camping in the middle of the woods by myself. It looks like Asheville will be my destination, but I'm still trying to figure out how I'm gonna set up my tent in the dark to make this happen. Boo hiss to the man for crappin' out on our plans.

On a funny note: while I was typing this blog, I am also trying to reserve the U-Haul that I and my future roommates are going to rent on June 7 to move. So, as I am talking to this lady ab my reservation, she tries to slip in this disclaimer about equipment not being available for the times reserved?! I stop her to clarify this gem and ask "Are you saying that if I call to make a 24 hour reservation, U-Haul cannot guarantee that they will offer me the equipment for that time period?" She pauses (presumably to look in her 'difficult questions' manual) and begins to read something to the effect that U-Haul attempts to satisfy as many customers as possible, so sometimes the equipment will be rented out several times a day. I respond by thanking her for reading that, but that she really hasn't answered my question. I repeat my question, hoping that the pure ridiculousness of it will fall on her ears and perhaps propel her to check with a supervisor for clarification. It does not.

She transfers me to Customer Service, who might be able to answer my question. They cannot.... guess who does that? The reservation people, that's who! When I explain my concern that that department was the reason I had been transferred to begin with, my concerns were immediately relieved as she hopefully suggested "Maybe you'll get another person this time!" Really?! Like maybe one whose 'give a damn' isn't broken?! At this point, I asked to be transferred to a supervisor in the reservation department, since I would have a higher likelihood of having my original question answered. Wonder of wonders..... this did not happen.

I did reserve my U-Haul with the unfortunate soul who I was transferred to... and she was ridiculously pleasant and knowledgable! The End.

Cherry Poppin' Daddies

2008-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Ha! Fooled ya' huh! You thought I might be bringing it back early 90's style? I do love the 90's, and daddies, not necessarily the cherry poppin' kind...

The first blog in the grown up blog world. What to even write about?

Nate is home and I am in heaven with him. I am staying in Dtown for another year, against my better judgement. I pine for the West. I have 3 nutty dogs. My kitties joined a gang and I am trying to woo them back with promises of tuna, mice, and personal protection against doggy mayhem. I am sunburned- it's Nate's fault. I'm getting ready to move in with 3 funnishly girls. I watch lots of bad TV... as we speak, I am actually wasting an hour of my life watching 'One Tree Hill." Don't judge me. I love sundresses and sunglasses. My boobs are getting bigger but I'm trying to lose the weight I've put on my booty. I just bought an '08 Yaris and I like to zip around town in it. My phone is always dead. I love olives, salads, and tomato sandwiches in the summer time. The Hold Steady are coming to Cat's Cradle in August and I couldn't be more thrilled! I love Mario old school and can't play anything 3D.