Passive-Aggressiveness. Don't do it. Step away from the snarky and the snide. Arm yourselves with words of honesty, truth, and freaking GROW THE HELL UP!
Those who know me well- this is my Achilles heel. I will be the most laid-back person you know and will bend over backwards to try to be a good friend to you-- until you do this. Then I have nothing to say to you and will make it my mission to 100% eradicate you from my life. Drives me flippin crazy!
I may offend you at times, but rest assured, you will always know where you stand with me. I will never say anything behind your back that I haven't said to your face. And I won't pretend I'm still in high school, when I'm pretty sure I left that petty BS behind 10 years ago.
Public Service Announement/Rant Off.
ps- I have not taken the new Matt Wertz album out of my cd player for a week now. Wertz=happiness :D
pps- Nate is coming to see me!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Every Now and Then I Fall Apart....
Life is a hectic maze we struggle through 90% of the time. Following our needs and desires, we pursue money, sex, food, friends, success, etc., attempting to find contentment and fulfillment. I have recently found myself evaluating my personal attempts to procure this security. It ultimately seems that the harder I try to create my niche, the more drastic the disappointment of having NOTHING I wanted to work out actually coming to fruition.
Short story of all this is that I (and my dogs) are living with Jana for the next week, while my cats have been pimped out to other kind friends. I am desperately in love with the man who has held my heart for the last two years and miss him with a suffocating force. I haven't spoken to my parents in over two months, and while I miss them, I can't find any words of reconciliation. My friendships are shifting so that my best friend of 10 years has no clue what is going on in my life but I have some of the most loyal, helpful friends coming out of the woodwork during this crisis. It also spotlights my shallow friendships- the ones that exist as long as you are fun and happy, but disappear during the storms of life. My dreams of paying off my debt are dying as I'm realizing that living alone is probably going to be my best option- but will drain the finances I wanted to put toward my debt.
I'm currently reading "The Way the Crow Flies," by Ann-Marie MacDonald and it is a gripping reminder of the futility of creating our inpenetrable fortress. Whether in the idyllic 1950's or the consumerist driven Aught's, we cannot control our worlds. Our best efforts are subject to hurricanes, financial setbacks, or horrific loss of innocence. As I'm trying to wrap my mind around all this, I look back towards the faith that I was brought up in- and the peace that accompanies unspeakable grief present in many of my Christian acquaintances. My fear is expressed in these Caedmon's Call lyrics:
"I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old"
-Prove Me Wrong
Regardless, I yearn for the comfort- false or not. Repeatedly, my heart seems drawn back to this doctrine. Is it a product of my upbringing or simply because it is the truth? I am unsure and scared to commit to either option.
Short story of all this is that I (and my dogs) are living with Jana for the next week, while my cats have been pimped out to other kind friends. I am desperately in love with the man who has held my heart for the last two years and miss him with a suffocating force. I haven't spoken to my parents in over two months, and while I miss them, I can't find any words of reconciliation. My friendships are shifting so that my best friend of 10 years has no clue what is going on in my life but I have some of the most loyal, helpful friends coming out of the woodwork during this crisis. It also spotlights my shallow friendships- the ones that exist as long as you are fun and happy, but disappear during the storms of life. My dreams of paying off my debt are dying as I'm realizing that living alone is probably going to be my best option- but will drain the finances I wanted to put toward my debt.
I'm currently reading "The Way the Crow Flies," by Ann-Marie MacDonald and it is a gripping reminder of the futility of creating our inpenetrable fortress. Whether in the idyllic 1950's or the consumerist driven Aught's, we cannot control our worlds. Our best efforts are subject to hurricanes, financial setbacks, or horrific loss of innocence. As I'm trying to wrap my mind around all this, I look back towards the faith that I was brought up in- and the peace that accompanies unspeakable grief present in many of my Christian acquaintances. My fear is expressed in these Caedmon's Call lyrics:
"I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old"
-Prove Me Wrong
Regardless, I yearn for the comfort- false or not. Repeatedly, my heart seems drawn back to this doctrine. Is it a product of my upbringing or simply because it is the truth? I am unsure and scared to commit to either option.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
to get you through the hard times....
some of my hilarity recently:
speaking of a TALL kickballer on another team in our league: i feel like sex with him would be like twister... with limbs just flying everywhere
to my roommate today on gchat:
i'm soo broke
i fed the dogs brown rice, eggs, and cottage cheese for breakfast
they thought they were getting a treat
little did they know, their mom is a broke ass ho
to my friend BG who just had half his palate burned off: and if you EVER ignore my text message again, i will shoot you in the face.... (his visiting sister looks properly terrified)
nate, regarding drama on my kickball team: what are y'all, in third grade.... wow, this really IS kickball
me, at kickball: hey ray-ray, you know how you wore your lucky boxers? i have on my lucky panties! (show the front of my blue and pink superwoman pantaloons)/ kim: wow! i think every guy on this field just got hard....
at kickball (again), Jake commenting sarcastically on how he wasn't raised by filthy rich people who could afford him the opportunity to play kickball in diamond earrings, ashleigh n: well, were you raised by a pack of assholes?!
to andy: oh fake lover, i would love to fake hate you....
Operation Lizard Lick
Oh HAI!!!!!!
enjoy the rest of your summers!
speaking of a TALL kickballer on another team in our league: i feel like sex with him would be like twister... with limbs just flying everywhere
to my roommate today on gchat:
i'm soo broke
i fed the dogs brown rice, eggs, and cottage cheese for breakfast
they thought they were getting a treat
little did they know, their mom is a broke ass ho
to my friend BG who just had half his palate burned off: and if you EVER ignore my text message again, i will shoot you in the face.... (his visiting sister looks properly terrified)
nate, regarding drama on my kickball team: what are y'all, in third grade.... wow, this really IS kickball
me, at kickball: hey ray-ray, you know how you wore your lucky boxers? i have on my lucky panties! (show the front of my blue and pink superwoman pantaloons)
at kickball (again), Jake commenting sarcastically on how he wasn't raised by filthy rich people who could afford him the opportunity to play kickball in diamond earrings, ashleigh n: well, were you raised by a pack of assholes?!
to andy: oh fake lover, i would love to fake hate you....
Operation Lizard Lick
Oh HAI!!!!!!
enjoy the rest of your summers!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
wow.... just... wow
So, I got a new job Friday. I was very excited about it... or as excited as one can be when the last three weeks have deepened my melanin production to extremes not seen since I got 3 months of summer vacation every year. I said goodbye to the pool and prepared to reacquaint myself with Gchat and other perks of the 9-5 lifestyle. It was a bittersweet moment as I roused myself from slumber at 7:45 am and blearily prepared my lunch. Nervous anticipation prickled... I may have even sweat a little on the drive over...
Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the workplace that I entered. My desk is covered in files, mail, trash, messages dating back to godknowswhen. There are bags and bags of trash in the room next to the front that apparently no one has taken out. The office itself is dirty and unclean. I was here 5 minutes and my boss left! No training, no direction other than just open and organize the mail.... so, I have been doing nothing for about 3 hours now, since that took next to no time to complete. The only other 2 people in the office are just as lost as I, since one started yesterday and one began just 6 months ago.
So, I begin to open the mail and there are close to 25 collection notices! Every other phone call is a collection agency. I am now really worried that I am working for a company that is on the verge of bankruptcy. When I interviewed, I was told that there were some financial concerns, but that it was the result of a previous employee not collecting past due bills from clients. I am seriously questioning that within one day of working here.... I spoke to the employee that has been here for 6 months and he recommended that I speak with the owner, indicating that my concerns may have validity.
Sending out more resumes.... good grief...
Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the workplace that I entered. My desk is covered in files, mail, trash, messages dating back to godknowswhen. There are bags and bags of trash in the room next to the front that apparently no one has taken out. The office itself is dirty and unclean. I was here 5 minutes and my boss left! No training, no direction other than just open and organize the mail.... so, I have been doing nothing for about 3 hours now, since that took next to no time to complete. The only other 2 people in the office are just as lost as I, since one started yesterday and one began just 6 months ago.
So, I begin to open the mail and there are close to 25 collection notices! Every other phone call is a collection agency. I am now really worried that I am working for a company that is on the verge of bankruptcy. When I interviewed, I was told that there were some financial concerns, but that it was the result of a previous employee not collecting past due bills from clients. I am seriously questioning that within one day of working here.... I spoke to the employee that has been here for 6 months and he recommended that I speak with the owner, indicating that my concerns may have validity.
Sending out more resumes.... good grief...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
We're high above but on the floor.....
Broken. My heart, my world. In a time when I have more people than I can ever remember surrounding me, things to do at all times, stable living, no school stress... and I am more alone than I can remember being in a long time.
I'm currently without a job... at least a 9-5er. I just picked up a few shifts at the 'Star. It was my first job... I began there and I may die there :) I was honest with them about my availability and the fact that once I start a 'real' job again, I will keep 1-2 shifts a week, but not pledge my allegiance to the corporation. In 'real job' news, I was offered a position at an executive staffing firm that seems very promising. I also am interviewing for another position at an attorney's office tomorrow morning, where the salary is about what I was making before, plus benefits. With a few serving shifts a week, I should be able to get on my feet and accomplish my goal of paying off my car this year!
Nate and I are over. It's hard to let that dream die as I remember just a year ago at the love we shared. I don't know what happened, just that we changed. I know I did.... and I feel like his deployment changed him much more than I thought it would. I assumed that this being his third tour, he would have faced all the demons and he would be strong. He is different and unhappy. I am no longer what he wants... and I don't want the man that the war returned to me. The breakup is amicable. We both love each other very much, but are headed for different dreams.... the sad part is I know what mine are, but he doesn't. I hope for his sake that those dreams, whatever they may be, are greater than the dreams he once had of our life together.
In light of these developments, I am kicking myself for not going ahead and moving to Boulder 2 months ago. I stayed for a job and a boy- both of which have disappointed me. I will stay here for another year, bc honestly at this point, I don't have the money to leave. I do enjoy my living situation and the friends I've made in the past few months. I can eek out a tolerable life here, but am dreaming of the day when I blow this popsicle stand! Boulder for a year, SLC or Portland for grad school, and then Australia or Vancouver, or wherever the wind blows me!
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this transition!
I'm currently without a job... at least a 9-5er. I just picked up a few shifts at the 'Star. It was my first job... I began there and I may die there :) I was honest with them about my availability and the fact that once I start a 'real' job again, I will keep 1-2 shifts a week, but not pledge my allegiance to the corporation. In 'real job' news, I was offered a position at an executive staffing firm that seems very promising. I also am interviewing for another position at an attorney's office tomorrow morning, where the salary is about what I was making before, plus benefits. With a few serving shifts a week, I should be able to get on my feet and accomplish my goal of paying off my car this year!
Nate and I are over. It's hard to let that dream die as I remember just a year ago at the love we shared. I don't know what happened, just that we changed. I know I did.... and I feel like his deployment changed him much more than I thought it would. I assumed that this being his third tour, he would have faced all the demons and he would be strong. He is different and unhappy. I am no longer what he wants... and I don't want the man that the war returned to me. The breakup is amicable. We both love each other very much, but are headed for different dreams.... the sad part is I know what mine are, but he doesn't. I hope for his sake that those dreams, whatever they may be, are greater than the dreams he once had of our life together.
In light of these developments, I am kicking myself for not going ahead and moving to Boulder 2 months ago. I stayed for a job and a boy- both of which have disappointed me. I will stay here for another year, bc honestly at this point, I don't have the money to leave. I do enjoy my living situation and the friends I've made in the past few months. I can eek out a tolerable life here, but am dreaming of the day when I blow this popsicle stand! Boulder for a year, SLC or Portland for grad school, and then Australia or Vancouver, or wherever the wind blows me!
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make this transition!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Go Nate, Go Nate, Go!!
Congrats to my boy for getting his 90-day card and being eligible for Jumpmaster school.... even if he doesn't really want to go :-/
He should know within a month or so what the future hold for him in the army, as far as whether he is staying at Bragg (and deploying for another year in March) or transferring to another assignment (and adding 2 more years onto his commitment). Both are pretty sucktastic choices...I just hope I can be loving and supportive through this mess.
In happier times... .
He should know within a month or so what the future hold for him in the army, as far as whether he is staying at Bragg (and deploying for another year in March) or transferring to another assignment (and adding 2 more years onto his commitment). Both are pretty sucktastic choices...I just hope I can be loving and supportive through this mess.
In happier times... .
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