One of the Most Brilliant Monologues on Sexual Abuse I've Ever Read

Sexual violation is a form of robbery. You arrive home to find your house ransacked. All items, the precious and the mundane, the priceless and the merely expensive,have been treated the same way. All items have been turned into the same item. Overturned, flung aside, the picture of the grandparents and the contents of the cutlery drawer. You can still hear the foot-stomps through your house. You can buy a new TV but only time will restore the cushioned peace of your home, heal the rent in the air on the stairs, the aftershock in the living room, all those places where emptiness has been allowed to leer obscenely into your home. Why us? Nothing personal.

(...)

Rape treats the victim like nobody, like everybody, like anybody, bitch! Up the ramp, through the door to the slaughterhouse. The uncountable qualities that make one individual different from another, shocked away; the soul, shocked away from the body, looks on in sorrow and pity at what is happening to its sister, its brother- bitch! It will be very difficult for the body to allow anything to inhabit it after that. Very difficult for it to allow the soul to re-enter. The soul may have to be content to follow close, make common cause with that other lonely follower, the shadow. It is the soul. The shadow's request is more humble, it asks only to be seen. Please don't turn away, every time you turn away, I die.

(...)

Sexual violation turns all children into the same child. Come here. Yes, you. Children heal quickly, so that, like a tree growing up around an axe, the child grows up healthy until, with time, the embedded thing begins to rust and seep and the idea of extracting it is worse than the thought of dying from it slowly. I'm not hurting you. Once pleasure and poison have entwined, how to separate them? What alchemist, that therapist, what priest or pal or lover?

--The Way The Crow Flies, Anne-Marie MacDonald

Karaoke is for Lovers

After working Friday and Saturday nights and passing out as soon as I got home, I needed a little excitement in my life last night... sidebar- very productive weekend with lots of yummy cooking and time with the canikids :) .... so, enter He's Not Here Sunday Night Karaoke.

Met up at Andrea's to wait for everyone to get home and Will to get off work. Drank Traci's leftover Yuenglings (thanks girl!!) and was gonna call it a night for the drinking... ha! Got over there at 10:30 or so and split my first blue cup with Drea. I can neither confirm nor deny that I shook it like a salt shaker. I can, however, confirm that it was HOT as anything in that place! I made the brilliant move of wearing a cami under my shirt with no bra. So, when I removed the shirt I strategically placed my scarf ends over my perkies and continued the dance revolution :) Would you expect anything less?!

Befriended a lonely boy sitting on his own and adopted him into our fold for the rest of the night. Definately sang back up for his touching rendition of 'I will do anything for love," which pretty much is one of my favorite bar songs EVER! I danced to the entire version at the Tavern one night with Lea and Andrea... that is a good 9 minutes of Meatloaf dancing... Unfortunately, Lea and my dream of serenading the crowd with our Peaches glory was short-lived, as the 'tiddies' were unavailable...

And.... the inevitable... I spilled my second blue cup in my lap.... like, ALL over my lap. Definately looked like I peed myself and the walk to the car was miserable. I removed them as soon as I got in. And then had to tie my jacket around my waist to do the no pants parking lot dance at Andrea's so I could pee. No bra, no pants... and the spins like a mofo... I passed out like it was my job! Well, after we got home... since Will's car is a bit too shaky for me to close my eyes and not vomit in... I don't know what happened to me- but I am one cheap date these days!

Hungover as anything today... and must produce business.... ugggh.

Holy Hell

I feel like it. Uggh...must work today through the headache, phlegm, and stuffyness. The fun part is going to be making myself cute enough to meet apartment people for appointments. Buy my product... just dont look at me too closely....

Mindblown and Hipsore

Girl.Talk.rocks.my.face!!!! Seriously, I don't think I've danced that hard since Of Montreal. He was absolutely AMAZING! If I had been under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, I really don't think I could have handled it. He is ridiculously talented at mixing. Ashleigh and I just kept looking at one another with dropped jaws, like 'seriously?! he is putting these songs together?!' It was insane energy too. I was drenched in sweat and went for a quick smoke break midshow. There was a guy who literally had steam clouding him, coming off his own body! I'm going to have to figure out how to get up to New York and catch a show or two this spring!

Tonight I'm going with BG and Andy to see Mofro and JJ Grey, which will be a definite change of pace. Should be a really fun show and I always love hanging out with those crazy kids :) Tuesday is already my favorite day of the week because of kickball! Maybe I can talk Will into coming, so I can have a few drinks and not have to drive...

Speaking of, I am eligible for a hearing soon to see if I can get my license back! This would be glorious, since I haven't had a full, unrestricted license since Feb '07. Ha, I'm such a renegade! This also means that many roadtrips are in my future! So, put on your party pants, bc I'm pretty sure I'm coming to your town!

Smitten too. No details yet, but I am. Very in like. Cute boy. Smiles and butterflies.

Only when my heart is free can my mouth find words to sing...

I finally feel like my life is tipping back into a manageable state and that thrills me to death. I've tossed off relationships full of baggage and have focused on forming friendships with people who do actually step outside of themselves once in a while to actually care about another human being. Letting go of some of these was easy and painless... others ripped my heart in two and made me wonder how people can change so much that they are unrecognizable to my heart. It is foreign to me how people can reach places where discarding true relationships is easy and effortless. I've always been one to hold onto my good friends- from Atlanta, San Francisco, Auburn, Rota- my true friends know that they can call me at any time and I will drop it all to come if they truly need me. It amazes me that one of the relationships I've invested the most in my life is so fractured that in the middle of my breakup with Nate, losing my job, tension with my family, financial chaos, and an eviction, I didn't hear from this person in over 3 weeks. After a particularly epic fight (and months of not speaking) a few years ago, I rose to the occasion and threw many celebratory shindigs in honor of a special event in this person's life. It is sad to me that in the middle of simply feeling like there is not as much in common anymore, their natural response would be to pull even further away from me instead of making any effort to repair our friendship. I finally got this all out in an email and have more peace regarding the situation. I do know that my world is expanding and theirs has closed in, which makes a big difference. I'm learning to simply accept these choices and be thankful for the memories of a heart that knew mine.

Wrangled

The bitch is back! Thanks for the crossed fingers!

Houdini Mazzini

IF SEEN, PLEASE RETURN TO LAUREN (who will soundly... yet virtually... beat my ass - and then let me sleep in her bed bc she is so glad I'm home...)










The Great Mazzeroni and Cheese on the Loose (again).

Jana had 3 trees cut down this weekend and a big pile of wood by her fence. This wench climbed the pile and jumped the fence yesterday with little Pegleg. A SIX FOOT fence!!! StoneMan was in the yard all day, but Mazz has yet to return. And we all know Buffy's fat ass couldnt even get over the damn fence.... I've called the local vets, have an ad on the pets section of Craigslist, a post on Jana's listserv, called the Emergency vet, checked the Lost and Found ads in the local papers, and am waiting for the shelter to open, so I can call and file a report. If she's not found today, I will put up fliers. Any other brilliant ideas?