Every Now and Then I Fall Apart....

Life is a hectic maze we struggle through 90% of the time. Following our needs and desires, we pursue money, sex, food, friends, success, etc., attempting to find contentment and fulfillment. I have recently found myself evaluating my personal attempts to procure this security. It ultimately seems that the harder I try to create my niche, the more drastic the disappointment of having NOTHING I wanted to work out actually coming to fruition.

Short story of all this is that I (and my dogs) are living with Jana for the next week, while my cats have been pimped out to other kind friends. I am desperately in love with the man who has held my heart for the last two years and miss him with a suffocating force. I haven't spoken to my parents in over two months, and while I miss them, I can't find any words of reconciliation. My friendships are shifting so that my best friend of 10 years has no clue what is going on in my life but I have some of the most loyal, helpful friends coming out of the woodwork during this crisis. It also spotlights my shallow friendships- the ones that exist as long as you are fun and happy, but disappear during the storms of life. My dreams of paying off my debt are dying as I'm realizing that living alone is probably going to be my best option- but will drain the finances I wanted to put toward my debt.

I'm currently reading "The Way the Crow Flies," by Ann-Marie MacDonald and it is a gripping reminder of the futility of creating our inpenetrable fortress. Whether in the idyllic 1950's or the consumerist driven Aught's, we cannot control our worlds. Our best efforts are subject to hurricanes, financial setbacks, or horrific loss of innocence. As I'm trying to wrap my mind around all this, I look back towards the faith that I was brought up in- and the peace that accompanies unspeakable grief present in many of my Christian acquaintances. My fear is expressed in these Caedmon's Call lyrics:

"I fear maybe this is all just a game
Our friends and our families all play too
Harness the young and give some comfort to the old"
-Prove Me Wrong

Regardless, I yearn for the comfort- false or not. Repeatedly, my heart seems drawn back to this doctrine. Is it a product of my upbringing or simply because it is the truth? I am unsure and scared to commit to either option.